You Know You're In Russia When...

You know you're in Russia when...

-The women wear heels all the time.
-People speed up when they see you crossing the road. 
-Half of every store is liquor. 
-You constantly have to pee because you don't want to pay to use a public restroom. 
-There are at least seven dead bolts on every door. 
-A guy chooses you & does not stop staring. 
-Women are 10x hotter than men. 
-You hear gunshots multiple times a week & it doesn't phase you. 
-People drink vodka everyday. 
-There are massive farmers markets everywhere.  
-The men have nicer purses than you do. 
-The most difficult part of running outside is dodging the pigeons.  
-High heel sneakers are a thing. 
-People wear scarves & coats even when its 70 degrees outside. 
-No one is married. 
-Police drive a BMW or Mercedes. 
-Every chocolate cake tastes like rum. 
-You're always staring at the ground in an effort to avoid the billion loogies. 
-Everything Thursday they eat fish. 
-You are constantly being offered candy & cake for breakfast. 
-People are always concerned about open windows.  
-Buckwheat is the staple of your diet. 
-Everyone smokes. 
-Babushkas run the country. 
-You smile at someone & instantly fear that they will get the wrong idea. 
-People look at you like you are insane when they see you working out. 
-You are passionate about the metro system. 
-All curbs are painted yellow & green & no one can tell you why. 
-Its normal to be covered in honey & smacked with leaves. 
-The folks have the nicest cars. 
-You are given chocolate regularly. 
-The people dress head to toe in fur. 
-Everyone is making out everywhere.
-The electricity plugs are at the top of wall.  
-There is rad graffiti in every neighborhood. 
-It always sounds like people are mad at each other. 
-You're on an escalator at least six times a day. 
-The police are younger than you. 
-People get in fights & no one blinks an eye.
-Everything you eat is cooked in ten liters of oil. 
-People live in porta potties.

Wonderful Christmas Time.

I wish I could even slightly depict the magic that is floating all around Moscow right now. The whole city has been overcome by a MASSIVE Christmas festival. There are lights & cottages & trees & music & treats & ice skating rinks everywhere you turn. It's the most wonderful thing ever. I've never in twenty one years experienced something quite as enchanting as these Russian streets. Here are a few pictures that don't do it justice. Moscow for the win!

God Only Knows,

She & Him covering one of my favorite Beach Boys songs. What more could I ask for!

Banya.

Today Bailey & I experienced a classic Russian banya. It's hard to explain so I will tell the real tale in person. Bailey's host dad invited us to go to the banya with him (its great knowing rich people). So Bailey, Dima (Baye's host dad), his friend Vasa & myself made our way to the Banya. We did a little off roading & arrived in the middle of nowhere Moscow. We went down to this little wood cabin & had the funniest & most awesome experience ever. To make a really long story short we put on funny hats, almost died of heat in the banya, drank some tea & ate honey, then our massive banya man Aleksy (who was dressed in nothing but a little cloth & made sure that we know that) rubbed honey on us, whipped us with leaves, drug us outside in the snow & dumped cold water on us.(Talk about a run on sentence). Then we repeated that process a couple of times. It was one for the books!After they took us to this yummy place that served Uzbekistan food. We were the only women in the whole restaurant & they made sure that we knew that ONLY men made our food. I don't know? Anyways everyone in that place was staring at us & it clearly appeared like we were on a date with these two forty five year old men. Which is uncomfortable. They kind of were our sugar daddies for the day & what an experience it was. Here are some low quality pictures that make me laugh out loud. 

I was convinced I looked like Nacho Libre at the time this photo was taken. 

Salad Days.

Here we are in the final countdown. Only thirteen days until I touch down in the promise land. This whole experience has gone by so fast! I can't believe its already time for me to get out of here. It's been awesome. These last few weeks have been pretty great for the most part. Here are a few of the many things that have taken place..

We celebrated Thanksgiving & it was actually a total feat! I was so impressed with us for making things happen.

Hung out with my students (as always). They are the cutest & such a good time.

I went to a circus. It was very weird & sexual & there were like twenty Lord Voldemorts in the show. BUT there were pony rides & dancing bears!

I've been checking out some of the rad street art this city has to offer.

It finally snowed nice & good in Moscow. It's pretty & I actually love it.

Went to the market again & went souvenir crazy.

Spent lots of time playing with my favorite little guy. I can't even tell you how many sword fights I've been in this last week.

Oh & look at this discomforting picture he drew in school. When I asked him what it was all he told me was that is was Russia & America. So that's something.

Was decent at regularly facetiming my cute parents. I don't know why I always look surprised when I screenshot things. I should know its coming & prepare but it gets me every time. 

Bailey proved to me multiple times that she is true friend. The first time was when I told her that she couldn't hang out with me unless she wore the sweater her host dad gave her. Guess what? She did just that.

The next time was when she agreed to go to the museum of modern art with me. There are few things I love more than modern art but isn't exactly Bailey's thing. She came with me but sadly it was closed so we just played around the in the courtyard.

Snowflakes Are Dancing.

So over the weekend we took a trip to Vladimir & Suzdal. Both were quaint & beautiful. I don't have much to say seeing as most of my time was spent trying to keep myself alive. Literally it was FREEZING. It was like ten degrees but it felt like negative seventy. That humidity just doesn't do anyone favors. We could only last around ten minutes outside before we would break & go into the first building in sight to seek refuge. As a result we dress like this nowadays. Practicality wins every time. 

Luckily it was beautiful. I've never seen snow cover the earth quite like this before. It truly was magical & made the cold worth it. 

We stayed at an active monastery. It was rad & I learned that monks(Rafiel & Mihiel especially) don't like to answer their cell phones. I don't blame them! Bailey & I had a massive Mother Mary rug on the wall of our cell. We loved it. 

We ate nothing but blini on this excursion. I'm not kidding. That's when you know you are living right. I don't even feel bad about it because I'm pretty sure I burned 700,000 calories just trying to stop my organs from giving into the cold & shutting down.  

In other news I was forced to snuggle with a three hundred pound Russian man on one of our bus rides & bribe a bus driver to take us back to Moscow(although he ended up leaving us because he was shady). Here are some more pictures to conclude this silly post.